We Cry Together
Grief is a creep.
It sneaks in one too many times through the memory. In a random moment, you remember something someone you have lost said. You see a picture, hear a song or watch a movie they liked, and your heart breaks all over again.
I read a tweet sometime that said, “Grief is mourning love which we didn’t get to express”. I found it profound, and a bit interesting as Twitter is that platform where people make out basic things to seem deep.
Grief is more hurtful because of not having enough time to love the people you’ve lost. There is no guarantee that you’ll ever see them again. There is that hollow that cannot be filled. The memories that keep running through your mind, and the sad reality that they will wane someday. You might forget what their voice sounds like, and the warmth of their arms, and all that is left is perhaps just pictures and videos.
Again, I still process hurt and losses in a delayed manner. When my grandmother died, it took me three months to eventually cry. The reality of not having her there was too much to accept immediately. Although this year, I have let myself feel hurt at the moment.
When Seun lost her dad last year, it was heartbreaking to see her grieve. One thing they don’t tell us is that pain is transferable even when you’re not the one directly feeling it. You see the grieving person lose the light in their eyes, and you don’t know how to make them laugh. You don’t even have the words put together to convey that you care, because it feels like it is not enough. You see them try to comprehend the new phase of their life. It will also have you feeling a bit of the depth of their pain.
On some days, I saw her holding on to her happy moments with him. On others, I could tell she was still in shock at the loss. Slowly, she started to smile again. But life never really feels the same.
Kelvin’s death came as a shock this year for everyone and for weeks, I was still in denial that I would never get to see his big laugh or argue about Burna Boy and Wizkid. But the lives he got to impact will never forget him.
And then Jumoke.
It has been over a month since I got the message. I cried like a baby immediately in public, and my chest constricted with pain. I am teary-eyed as I write this. It was difficult to tell mum and my sister. I still cannot believe it.
Ours was a friendship that started during my third-year internship. I was meant to intern somewhere else, but who knew I would sit in the same space with you and we’d start conversing randomly?
I heard Charlie Puth’s See You Again the other day and the tears wouldn’t stop. How does one go from dancing at someone’s wedding to being notified that they’ve passed on months after?
I am thankful I got to experience you — on your good days, the sad days, the angry days, the days you smiled broadly, the days we argued, the days I pranked you, days with your all-back cornrows, days at the radio station, days we ate amala, days we worked late, days you’d disturb me until I let you practice makeup on my face, your birthdays, that one Christmas I spent at your house, your wedding.
You made such a beautiful bride, and I was ecstatic to see you dance and laugh through it all. It was a wonderful day. I am not over it, I cannot be. I mean we used to joke about men not being serious.
I wish distance had not been a thing. I wish I had moved to London now. I wish there had been more time. I would give anything to hear you say “Oyinnn” again. Or to pull your cheekbones and hear your endless gists. I can’t believe I won’t get to tell you “Jumoke, calm down” ever again. You brought me so much joy and you’ll be missed. I will try not to forget the memories we had for as long as I live.
Heraclitus said, “The only constant thing in life is change”.
I think death is also one, as we’re all going to pass on eventually. We are born and we run the course of our lifetime. Long life is a good wish we all get on our birthdays, so it is heartbreaking to lose those we love early.
We hold on to the memories now. We hold on to ourselves as we grieve. We cry together.
We get to experience people, we cannot own them for life. We experience them for as long as they will let us or as much as the universe and God will. In the short while in which we get to experience them, it is simply best to enjoy the moments until they end.
The grief never stops, we slowly adapt to living without them.
12:09 am. Nov 1st.