Photo by Sweet Ice Cream Photography on Unsplash

Delicate (adjective): Easily damaged or requiring careful handling. Refined; gentle; scrupulous not to trespass or offend; considerate; said of manners, conduct, or feelings.

For a large part of my life I have always regarded myself as one who is tough.

I am the iron lady with an accompanying bitch resting face making me seem hard and not approachable.

The moments I have had cause to run to my parents is usually when matters get completely out of my hands and I really do need their help. I have always had reasons to be tough mostly because being raised as a first daughter, I had to grow up faster than my other siblings to be able to take on responsibilities, to be an adult. And adults don’t show emotions — they tuck it in and take charge.

I listened to Taylor Swift’s delicate off the Reputation album which dropped in 2017 some days back and the lyrics of the song is as romantic as it is thoughtful.

Is it cool that I said all that?
Is it chill that you’re in my head?
’Cause I know that it’s delicate (delicate)
Is it cool that I said all that
Is it too soon to do this yet?

The whole song talks about a girl being in love with a guy and eventually telling him about her feelings wondering if it was cool she was telling him how she felt cause she knows the situation is delicate.

I thought about how often I have had to hide my feelings and emotions from people because of how delicate revealing them would be. In relationships, I never fully show the significant other how much I love them or they mean to me so as not to be so vulnerable — even in friendships. One thing you should know is that I can be quite complacent and a pretty good actress. But contrary to the tough girl cover I put up all the time, I am actually rather emotional.

I cry at weddings, at least the few I have been to. The vows tear me up most.

I cry when I watch romance movies which is rarely. Me Before You still gets me teary eyed even though I’ve seen it half a dozen times and read the book thrice.

I cry when people are being unfair to me.

I cry when I see other people suffering.

I cry when I am overwhelmed and utterly confused.

I cry when it’s time to say goodbye. People leaving makes me feel like they take a chunk of me with them and there’s this hollow left.

I cry when I laugh too hard.

I cry myself to sleep when things are just not going right.

I cry almost every other day.

This has me wondering why I have to put up a front in the first place. Like who am I trying to not be emotional for? I could say myself but in the comfort of my personal space, I freely let loose of my emotions and the few people who get to see that side of me know just how much of a softie I am.

The answer is simply — other people.

The actual truth behind why myself and other softies work on hiding our emotions is because we are so often misunderstood. We have on several occasions attempted to open up and may have been castigated, called a weakling, a baby or simply had our emotions brushed aside which made us learn to close up instead of sharing anymore.

This especially happens to the guys as they have to live up to the expectation of not being emotional.

So yeah, we become our own therapist, adviser and escape. Over time we get used to being dependent on our own self and do not see the need to express emotions.

While this can be sufficient often, lately I have been unable to hold myself together. I constantly need someone to talk to and although finding that one person who can listen and be there all the time is an Herculean task, I’m doing okay with the few people who are there for me when they can be.

There are people who aren’t emotional at all, I have come to realize that. But there are other people just like me and I equally have to learn how to relate with them. Although I still feel delicate every other day, it feels like there’s nothing I cannot get over with just enough determination and talking over.

I may be down for making myself vulnerable to help people understand me better, after all today could be the last day of existing. Imagine passing on without saying what was on my mind or sharing my emotions with the people I really should have.

So yeah, is it cool that I said all these?

On an adventure of a lifetime.

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